Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
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“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda