@michaelianblack

Before we hang out, please be advised I will be spending the rest of the summer talking like Bane.

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@alldrolledup

It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.

@TheGladStork

When my wife pisses me off, I get on her Pinterest and pin lots of mediocre shit, like cupcakes that just look like cupcakes.

@IvoryGazelle

[inventing tupperware]

make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti

@TheCiscoKidder

5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?

Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.

@Brentweets

If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.

@TheTweetOfGod

“Scientology” is a combination of “scient-,” meaning “science,” and “-ology,” meaning “science.” And it just gets stupider from there.

@joejwest

[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep

@dlicj

pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there