HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
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I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
*performs CPR on the turkey*
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.