It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Before we hang out, please be advised I will be spending the rest of the summer talking like Bane.
You Might Also Like
When my wife pisses me off, I get on her Pinterest and pin lots of mediocre shit, like cupcakes that just look like cupcakes.
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
I don’t want buns of steel. I want buns of cinnamon.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
“Scientology” is a combination of “scient-,” meaning “science,” and “-ology,” meaning “science.” And it just gets stupider from there.
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there