Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
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The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
The A string on my guit_r is flat
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie