Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
You Might Also Like
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”