Swans mate for life…in case you were wondering what made them so mean.
before x-rays doctors had to climb inside people and draw a picture of their bones. some still do
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My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
If you’re going Black Friday shopping tomorrow, be a decent human being & turn your phone horizontal before you record any fights
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Life is basically avoiding people who have seen you naked while trying to find new people to see you naked.