@JulianLeeComedy

Before you abduct someone do you have to fill in a chloroform?

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@d_duhwit

Judge:”Since we can’t prove who’s baby it is we will … cut the baby in half

Worm Mom 1:”Sure
Worm Mom 2 :”Ya do it.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[working from home]

8:00am: wake up

8:30am: eat cereal

8:30-noon: can’t remember

noon: open laptop

noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”

12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up

12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up

1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp

@Maddy_ubert

Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*

@Jerrypleasure

Newspaper: A 6yo saved someone’s life.

*flashback to me finding a discount coupon on road*

ME: I also have big news.

@Donna_McCoy

Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.

@loribuckmajor

I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!

@PleaseBeGneiss

[first day as therapist]

patient: i’m in a weird place

me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap

@funflaps

ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains

@AngryRaccoon2

Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.

@murrman5

[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?