what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
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What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
That was easy.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous