Judge:”Since we can’t prove who’s baby it is we will … cut the baby in half
Worm Mom 1:”Sure
Worm Mom 2 :”Ya do it.
Before you abduct someone do you have to fill in a chloroform?
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[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Newspaper: A 6yo saved someone’s life.
*flashback to me finding a discount coupon on road*
ME: I also have big news.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?