Before you abduct someone do you have to fill in a chloroform?

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Her: I like your hair. Did you get it cut?
Me: I washed it
Her: but it looks really different
Me: yeah I used water this time


To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.


Pro tip: If you forget their name after a one night stand, just take them to Starbucks in the morning.


“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.


Sorry about all the Mario references. I didn’t mean to one-up you. I’ll pipe down.


[home depot]

me: i think i like this huge decorative rock

her: boulder



The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.


Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.

Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.