@JulianLeeComedy

Before you abduct someone do you have to fill in a chloroform?

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@david8hughes

Her: I like your hair. Did you get it cut?
Me: I washed it
Her: but it looks really different
Me: yeah I used water this time

@MaryJustice86

To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.

@SaraMansford

Pro tip: If you forget their name after a one night stand, just take them to Starbucks in the morning.

@Donna_McCoy

“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.

@NintenDom

Sorry about all the Mario references. I didn’t mean to one-up you. I’ll pipe down.

@daemonic3

[home depot]

me: i think i like this huge decorative rock

her: boulder

me: ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK

@TheAlexNevil

The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.

@KateWhineHall

Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.

Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.