Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
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“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology