Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
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*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.