@KateWouldHaveIt

Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.

Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.

- @KateWouldHaveIt

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@AndyAsAdjective

I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.

I’m like an Almostradamus.

@WiseguyPictures

Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.

@flashember

*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*

@ElKnuckelhombre

A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.

@WilliamRodgers

Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.

@simoncholland

Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.

@Mr_Kapowski

7 y/o daughter: Hey dad, can I see your phone for a minute?

Me: You got a warrant?

@stephenjmolloy

Me: “There are so many exotic sounding flavours these days. I just can’t resist-”

Doctor: “YOU NEED TO STOP DRINKING SHAMPOO!”

@Tmoney68

Why don’t those badass UFC guys use their fighting skills to defend themselves against terrible tattoo artists?