Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
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After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say