Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
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[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…