Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
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I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Not now. I’m deglazing.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.