@AaronFullerton

Before you buy that nice jacket online, ask yourself: “Am I willing to delete one extra email every day for the rest of my life?”

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@_elvishpresley_

007: the name’s bond…james bond

me: nice to meet you bond james bond

007: just james bond

me: bond just james bond

007: no my full name is just james bond

me: nice to meet you just james bond

007: you know i can legally kill you

me: no, never met him

007: *draws weapon*

@ElPasofist

The Easter Bunny doesn’t always drink, but when he does it’s hopscotch.

@sarcasticmommy4

I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.

@Douchekevin

I saw 300 lbs crammed into a pair of small yoga pants so now I understand how the Tardis on Dr. Who is real.

@FrazzleMyGimp

[sees shark fin swimming toward me]

Oh no

[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]

Phew

[the boy is riding a shark]

Oh no

@HepatitisAtoZ

me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”

friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”

me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”

@CulturedRuffian

Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.

Automatic Door: Screw. You.

@elle91

Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.

@NoogsCorner

Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.