Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
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her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
bad
worse
worst
worchester
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it