Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
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OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Same post same
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.