I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
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[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going, sir?
Me: I honestly do not. There were two guys in front of my car with brooms, vigorously scrubbing the road and I think that increased my speed
One time I intentionally asked a thin woman “when she was due” because I was bored. So yeah, I guess you could say I’m into extreme sports.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
thread of this specific and very funny sense of humor:
FRIEND *opens front door* What now?!
ME: Are you sure you don’t think I’m too needy?
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…