Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016

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I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.


[my first day at the spa]

*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*


Cop: Do you know how fast you were going, sir?

Me: I honestly do not. There were two guys in front of my car with brooms, vigorously scrubbing the road and I think that increased my speed


One time I intentionally asked a thin woman “when she was due” because I was bored. So yeah, I guess you could say I’m into extreme sports.


[first day of school]

LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.

LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.

BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.


FRIEND *opens front door* What now?!
ME: Are you sure you don’t think I’m too needy?


[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*


I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…