Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
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Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.