@Staggfilms
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
@AmericanGent69
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
@jnrbtsn
I don’t discriminate among size guys.
Personally my favorite is 3 inches and goes by the name visa, mc, or amex.
@rantybot
havent had sex in so long my clitoris is clitorwas
@PleaseBeGneiss
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
@jake_likes_naps
[throws bread to a duck]
Duck: I have a boyfriend
@Underchilde
*Builds panic room out of Swiss cheese*
*Fails to see holes in plan*
@handsock_butts
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
@LoveNLunchmeat
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
@Scdavis24
Question everything. Or should you?
@merylnyc
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
