Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
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No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.