@Staggfilms

Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.

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@AmericanGent69

Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*

@jnrbtsn

I don’t discriminate among size guys.

Personally my favorite is 3 inches and goes by the name visa, mc, or amex.

@rantybot

havent had sex in so long my clitoris is clitorwas

@PleaseBeGneiss

GEICO: customer service, how can we help?

ME: I’ve been in a car accident

GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?

ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?

@Underchilde

*Builds panic room out of Swiss cheese*

*Fails to see holes in plan*

@handsock_butts

HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes

@LoveNLunchmeat

You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.

@merylnyc

#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay