Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.

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Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.


My son just said he doesn’t like cheese and now I have to interview all the mailmen in my neighborhood


If playing Grand Theft Auto makes you violent, why hasn’t 25 years of me playing Madden made me a professional football player?


I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.

So they hid my phone charger.


One last time…

It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!

It’s that simple.

Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.


BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.


BUZZ: Nope

*5 minutes silence*

BUZZ: OK, yep.


Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.


[after recapturing an escaped convict]

sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”


deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”

sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”


interviewer: why do you want this job
me: i’ve just always been very passionate about not starving to death


My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.