@Staggfilms

Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.

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@AmishPornStar1

Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.

@theshamingofjay

My son just said he doesn’t like cheese and now I have to interview all the mailmen in my neighborhood

@TheMichaelRock

If playing Grand Theft Auto makes you violent, why hasn’t 25 years of me playing Madden made me a professional football player?

@BriarSlyMalice

I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.

So they hid my phone charger.

@That_Damn_Duck

One last time…

It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!

It’s that simple.

Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.

@Diversion50

BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.

NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?

BUZZ: Nope

*5 minutes silence*

BUZZ: OK, yep.

@JermHimselfish

Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.

@HepatitisAtoZ

[after recapturing an escaped convict]

sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”

convict:

deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”

sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”

@themiltron

interviewer: why do you want this job
me: i’ve just always been very passionate about not starving to death

@crystaltitties

My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.