Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?

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If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.


Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.


Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.


[man walks into a bar]

Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!


I don’t even understand Fantasy Football.

There are no Dragons, Wizards, or hot ass Elven chicks.

I call bullshit.


A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.


Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread


If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?

Taco bail.