Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.

My math is correct, just ask any parent.

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So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.



Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!

3-*runs out of room yelling-


I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.


*First day in group therapy*

Counselor: Dave, do you have anything to share?

Me: *puts Doritos back under chair*

No, no I do not.


He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…

Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”


My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip


I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.


I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING


I want to congratulate you on learning the definition of abundance.

“Thank you. It means a lot.”