Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
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[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop