I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
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“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
I get hit with a lot of folding chairs for someone that’s not a professional wrestler.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma