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@roxyisrad

I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.

@LogicLaughs

“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”

Me: Sees Video

Me: Checks Internet

@FuckabillyRex

I get hit with a lot of folding chairs for someone that’s not a professional wrestler.

@skittle624

I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.

@batkaren

*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth

@PaperWash

*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!

@blade_funner

My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.

@Reverend_Scott

COP: Know why I stopped you?

“Drag racing?”

COP: Nope.

“Speeding?”

COP: Definitely not.

“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”

COP: That’s the one.

@dumbbeezie

I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?

@carlyken

mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night

inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma