It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
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For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Taking phone security to the next level.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
first you must answer his riddles
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.