Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
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I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave