Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
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friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Yup
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.