Before you follow me looking to promote a product or service please know that I spend all my extra money on cheese.

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In retrospect, “so I guess we would all look the same if we were made into sausage” was probably weird small talk for a funeral.


“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“Yes sir”

“Kids, I found a campsite!”


Shia Labeouf always looks like he’s trying to teach math after someone just waved smelling salts under his nose.


Me: Name THREE songs & I’ll help you look for it.
15: …


Octopus 1:” Woah. There’s an arm just swimming by itself.”
Octopus 2:” that’s an eel you idiot.”


Don’t say “lets get weird” on our date then get freaked out I’m dressed in Forever 21 and holding your cousin hostage.


who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?


Fun fact about Earth: It is an insane hellworld where a species of ape has harnessed the power of liquefied dead things to destroy itself.


Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.


Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia