[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
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GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.