@RayInOhio

Before you follow me looking to promote a product or service please know that I spend all my extra money on cheese.

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@CelebrityChez

In retrospect, “so I guess we would all look the same if we were made into sausage” was probably weird small talk for a funeral.

@withanewname

“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”

“Kids, I found a campsite!”

@jergarl

Shia Labeouf always looks like he’s trying to teach math after someone just waved smelling salts under his nose.

@Rachelnoise

15: MOM, WHERE’S MY NIRVANA SHIRT?!
Me: Name THREE songs & I’ll help you look for it.
15: …

@d_duhwit

Octopus 1:” Woah. There’s an arm just swimming by itself.”
Octopus 2:” that’s an eel you idiot.”

@BreadFoster

Don’t say “lets get weird” on our date then get freaked out I’m dressed in Forever 21 and holding your cousin hostage.

@perlhack

who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?

@Probgoblin

Fun fact about Earth: It is an insane hellworld where a species of ape has harnessed the power of liquefied dead things to destroy itself.

@KyleMcDowell86

Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.

@AntozWolf

Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia