Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
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GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”