someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
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My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
When I laugh on my period
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Meow
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
@ candidates for local office
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Why is no one talking about this?!
first you must answer his riddles
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”