Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
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I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away