You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she organizes body parts in her freezer
Before you move to Canada after Trump gets elected, just know that it’s May 13th and it’s currently snowing here.
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I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
Me: Can we leave? These things take forever
Wife: *harsh whisper* Shut your mouth. Watch our daughter open her presents
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
wife: our house is burning to the ground! We have to call the fire marshall
me: great idea [to the fire] MARSHALL! QUIT BURNING OUR HOUSE DOWN!
Well, I made another trip around the sun. Might as well eat cake.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
[inventor of the zoo]
*sees deer gamboling freely through the forest and exotic birds flying blissfully through the air*
this has to stop