@moose_chocolate

Before you move to Canada after Trump gets elected, just know that it’s May 13th and it’s currently snowing here.

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@Sean_Burgundy_

You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she organizes body parts in her freezer

@GoldenSpirals

It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.

@Angibangie

Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.

@Mr_Kapowski

[kid’s party]

Me: Can we leave? These things take forever

Wife: *harsh whisper* Shut your mouth. Watch our daughter open her presents

@AddledPixie

I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.

@captainkalvis

wife: our house is burning to the ground! We have to call the fire marshall

me: great idea [to the fire] MARSHALL! QUIT BURNING OUR HOUSE DOWN!

@seancehat

[first day as a cashier]

customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper

me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying

@flashember

[inventor of the zoo]

*sees deer gamboling freely through the forest and exotic birds flying blissfully through the air*

this has to stop