boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
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Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
where do you see yourself in five years?
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to