@Reverend_Scott

Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.

Now hold it.

Hold it…

Hold it….

Hold it…

Keep holding it…

Die.

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@Joshua4Congress

A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.

@DirtMcTurd

[first cat being domesticated]

What’s that thing your petting?

“It’s called a cat”

Do they bite?

“Oh ya LOL all the time!”

@Matt_The_1st

“You should only have to tell them once”

– People with no children

@murrman5

HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK

@usedwigs

Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.

@trevso_electric

That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.

@squirrel74wkgn

Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?

Oh…

*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*

Better?

@djdarrellripley

Me: Who are you and how did you get in here?

Him: I’m a locksmith. And, I’m a locksmith.

@Cpin42

Realizing his terrible mistake, Judas bitterly hurled his half-eaten Klondike bar into the sea.