Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.

Now hold it.

Hold it…

Hold it….

Hold it…

Keep holding it…


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A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.


[first cat being domesticated]

What’s that thing your petting?

“It’s called a cat”

Do they bite?

“Oh ya LOL all the time!”


“You should only have to tell them once”

– People with no children


“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
“sorry it’s permanent”


Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.


That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.


Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?


*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*



Me: Who are you and how did you get in here?

Him: I’m a locksmith. And, I’m a locksmith.


Realizing his terrible mistake, Judas bitterly hurled his half-eaten Klondike bar into the sea.