Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
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[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.