@ComedicBust

Before you say you “value my opinion,” just know if a genie granted me 3 wishes, one of them would be to star in Sister Act 3.

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@Gupton68

Dr: How may I help?

Me: Wife says I’m overweight

D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands

[later]

Wife: How’d it go?

M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music

@Jimboleem

My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.

On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’

On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’

@marknorm

When you’re a kid and you have an accident you pee your pants. When you’re an adult and you have an accident you have a kid.

@notfunnyelle

My best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 35 we’ll hunt each other for sport

@Book_Krazy

*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*

-Law & Order sound

@ibid78

“Babe there’s something I’ve always wanted to do..”
*tenderly moves her bangs away from her eyes then scotch tapes them to her forehead*

@JamieGreenlees

I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.

@TheAlexNevil

Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win

@Lisa_Laughs_

Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*

@InternetHippo

me: i just love traveling!

my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about