Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Before you say you “value my opinion,” just know if a genie granted me 3 wishes, one of them would be to star in Sister Act 3.
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My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
When you’re a kid and you have an accident you pee your pants. When you’re an adult and you have an accident you have a kid.
My best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 35 we’ll hunt each other for sport
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
“Babe there’s something I’ve always wanted to do..”
*tenderly moves her bangs away from her eyes then scotch tapes them to her forehead*
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about