A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
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Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
My wife gives the best headache.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.