I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
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Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
I have so many questions.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking