@stewnami

Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.

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@ArfMeasures

DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.

ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?

@kathybotteas

If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.

@Book_Krazy

How can we make people tell the truth?

“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”

@Y2SHAF

why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this

@KateWhineHall

6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?

@MakesYouGiggle

Me: I just want to sleep!

Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!

Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.

@DandyTruman

“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”

— No squirrel ever.

@WildeThingy

[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality

@AngryRaccoon2

My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.

This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.