DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
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If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.