Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
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For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
I think this cat is broken
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”