Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
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My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona