A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
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“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
we’re gonna need another temp
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?