Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
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I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him