before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
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Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter