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HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines