[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
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[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.