[knock at door]
Cop: open up, it’s the police
Me [doing an Estonian accent]: I’m not here
Cop: are you in Estonia?
Me: I am. I’m in Estonia
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
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I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Alcohol is claiming me as a dependent on his taxes this year.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”