I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
You Might Also Like
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials