Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
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I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Hard not to take this personally
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Not today, today.
Not today.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.