Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
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I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
need a new bf mines broken 😐
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..