No. Hebebutterfly.

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Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost

Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator



I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on


Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.


I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.


Husband: What are you doing?

Me: I’m playing a matching game on my phone.

H: Why?

Me: To stave off my Alzheimer’s.

H: But you don’t have Alzheimer’s.

Me: Exactly. See how it’s working?


Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.


Sorry I yelled: BLESS YOU and handed you a tissue after you told me you loved me

Blow your nose, it will pass


Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.


Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.

It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.