@mrnickharvey

Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.

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@Bob_Janke

Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost

Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator

Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!

@reallifemommy3

I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on

@noogscorner

Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.

@causticbob

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.

@AndLookPretty

Husband: What are you doing?

Me: I’m playing a matching game on my phone.

H: Why?

Me: To stave off my Alzheimer’s.

H: But you don’t have Alzheimer’s.

Me: Exactly. See how it’s working?

@elle91

Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.

@McKnightyBoo

Sorry I yelled: BLESS YOU and handed you a tissue after you told me you loved me

Blow your nose, it will pass

@mortimermaiden

Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.

@IamJackBoot

Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.

It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.