[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
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New comic up. “Ransom”
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
You wish you had this many chins.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Don’t talk down to me
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…