Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Survival Tip:

If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.

“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.

My boss: you seem distracted today…

Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.

WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.

Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.

St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.

1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet

2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car

I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.

My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?

My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.

BIL: Which one is the black one?

10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*

People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.

Do you know how fast you were going sir?

“15,000mph?”

Wha? No,like 65?

“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”

I guess so.

“Ok bye”

bye?

If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000

What the hell is going on?

[meeting]

DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI

PRODUCER: Yes!

D: A huge cast

P: Agreed!

D: Realistic family photos

P: We don’t have the budget

Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.

Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.

I feel like once your going to these lengths you can spring for separate room for the toilet

ME: Is this chicken cooked?

WAITER: Why do you ask?

ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.

Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.

my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away

How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?

The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.

I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch

sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior

[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water

Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.

If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.

It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.

I don’t have time to get to know you

Be cool immediately

Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!

Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger