Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
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Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
i hate you platonically
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.