you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
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OMG my 5-year-old just put down her Legos and said “I was willing to give Joe Biden the benefit of the doubt from his time with Obama, but openly praising Dick Cheney, who orchestrated the legal precedent for torture, war crimes, and exacerbating global warming is disqualifying.”
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Save a horse. Ride a cowboy. Use your best judgment with a centaur.
Roses are red. Monsters are green. Just look in the mirror. You’ll know what I mean.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”