‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
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Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.