If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
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12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
are they though??
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?