Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
You Might Also Like
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!