@AlexvanBeek

Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.

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@SnizzleFrizzle

So far today I’ve watched cartoons, had a nap, drank chocolate milk and ate cereal for lunch. I’m basically a toddler.

@robfee

No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.

@julcasagrande

Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free

@shashaintl

Him: Are you gonna kill me?

Me: WHAT?

Him: Your mood swings. I figured today’s the day I die.

Me:

Him: *whispers* Please don’t hurt me.

@JustDontBugMe

[Date Night]

*Ties you up*

*Handcuffs you to the chair*

*Takes out the whip*

WHERE DID YOU HIDE THE CHEESECAKE?!

@DanMentos

[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”

@popcorn_dog

[First Date]

Her: I like old fashioned men

Me [trying to impress]: I’m sexist

@LackOfShame

I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.

Guys.