Shower like nobody is watching.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
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this will hang in the louvre one day
So far today I’ve watched cartoons, had a nap, drank chocolate milk and ate cereal for lunch. I’m basically a toddler.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Him: Are you gonna kill me?
Him: Your mood swings. I figured today’s the day I die.
Him: *whispers* Please don’t hurt me.
*Ties you up*
*Handcuffs you to the chair*
*Takes out the whip*
WHERE DID YOU HIDE THE CHEESECAKE?!
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Her: I like old fashioned men
Me [trying to impress]: I’m sexist
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.