Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
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[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
HR said no more nunchucks.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”