@Brampersandon_

[being a caddy at the masters]
GOLFER: *crouched down lining up his putt*
ME (whispering in his ear): whatcha lookin at? a bug?

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@Mom_Overboard

Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home

@roboticcrab

have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.

@BradBroaddus

I just got booed off stage by a bunch of jerks that didn’t appreciate my humor.

That’s the last time I’ll do a eulogy.

@Just__J0

I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.

@JoParkerBear

[interrupting a rap battle] excuse me, sir, but that last line is factually inaccurate

@WilliamAder

If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.

@NYC_Blonde

Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.

@OctopusCaveman

Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it

@EyalTweet

Me: 🎵Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near🎵

Roadkill: …