[being a caddy at the masters]
GOLFER: *crouched down lining up his putt*
ME (whispering in his ear): whatcha lookin at? a bug?

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Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home


have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.


I just got booed off stage by a bunch of jerks that didn’t appreciate my humor.

That’s the last time I’ll do a eulogy.


I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.


[interrupting a rap battle] excuse me, sir, but that last line is factually inaccurate


If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.


Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.


Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it


Me: 🎵Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near🎵

Roadkill: …